How to look important

  1. Issue demands. Be audacious and demand it right now. By making demands of someone, you put yourself in their league; hence, the more important the person you demand from, the more important you look. Down side: You look pathetic if the person ignores you, or makes a joke about you.
  2. Give yourself an important title. Call yourself a lieutenant, a grand jury foreman or a journalist. Extra credit if you call yourself something with a science-sounding title like “forensic document examiner.” Down side: You look pathetic when people notice that you haven’t earned the title.
  3. Create a fancy web site. Lots of folks judge a book by its cover. Use bold graphics and popular symbols. Down side: You look pathetic when someone checks your site’s ratings and they are like 5 millionth in the US.
  4. Start a movement. Think big. Call for 1,000,000 people to march on Washington DC. Throw in some demands. Down side: You look pathetic when nobody but you and your cousin Vern show up.
  5. Claim that you are on a first name basis with God. You really look important to the folks who are impressed by that kind of thing.

About Dr. Conspiracy

I'm not a real doctor, but I have a master's degree.
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51 Responses to How to look important

  1. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    An Vern only showed up because he was hiding from Earnest!

  2. jdkinpa says:

    Call for 1,000,000 people to march on Washington DC.

    I actually saw a post on facebook lamenting the fact that the MSM has ignored the 1.6 million motorcycles that were in DC last week.

  3. Curious George says:

    Wear a Chef’s hat to make people believe that you are an expert in soy. 😮

  4. Majority Will says:

    Andrew Vrba, PmG:
    An Vern only showed up because he was hiding from Earnest!

    Actually, Vern couldn’t make bail and won’t be attending after all.

  5. Dr Kenneth Noisewater says:

    All 4 of these happened on the Mike Volin show tonight.

  6. Arthur says:

    In addition to the four already described, I would add, “Claim that your actions are approved by God, and those who disagree with you are in league with Satan.” See for example, Bobby Powell’s latest post, “Satan’s Seat: Obama The Antichrist And The Abomination Of Desolation” http://bobpowell.blogspot.com/

  7. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    Curious George:
    Wear a Chef’s hat to make people believe that you are an expert in soy.

    Hell, I’m just gonna show up at random functions, for no apparent reason, and do that.

  8. The Magic M says:

    6. Claim you’ve discovered something sensational that was “forgotten”, “long lost”, “buried” or even “covered up”. Down side: people may not believe you know more about a subject than all experts from the last 200 years.

  9. Arthur: Bobby Powell’s latest post, “Satan’s Seat: Obama The Antichrist And The Abomination Of Desolation”

    *sigh* Why do people keep saying Obama is the anti-Christ? He’s NOT Jewish.

    Hey Bobby: I am the anti-Christ.

    -I’m Jewish
    -I’m male
    -I put my Angel and Max ahead of people

    Got it?

  10. Arthur: Bobby Powell’s latest post, “Satan’s Seat: Obama The Antichrist And The Abomination Of Desolation”

    Here’s my favorite, keeping the tradition of televangelists: “Video Evidence Of Miraculous Healing; Reading Online Prayers Blesses Cancer Victim”

    So keep those PayPal donations coming in.

  11. Arthur says:

    misha marinsky: Why do people keep saying Obama is the anti-Christ? He’s NOT Jewish.

    Yeah, but some birthers believe Obama’s real parents are Golda Meir and Sammy Davis, Jr., so then it would all work out.

  12. Arthur says:

    Claim 7: Do like Larry Klayman and hold a citizens’ grand jury
    http://citizensgrandjury.com/

  13. Arthur: some birthers believe Obama’s real parents are Golda Meir and Sammy Davis, Jr.

    They’re not?! Uh, oh.

  14. Arthur: See for example, Bobby Powell’s latest post

    I found out why the military coup fell apart. The leader – everyone knows who he is – printed a gun with his 3D printer. When he tested the gun, it exploded and now this patriotic American is a basket case.

    I’m sure Bobby Powell will be along to deny this, which will only prove my story correct.

  15. Arthur: See for example, Bobby Powell’s latest post

    misha marinsky: When he tested the gun, it exploded and now this patriotic American is a basket case.

    Update: Military coup halted. Complete story:

    http://newyorkleftist.blogspot.com/2013/09/report-military-coup-called-off.html

  16. Dr Kenneth Noisewater says:

    As I said last night many of these traits showed up last night on the Mike Vollin show: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/wheresobamasbirthcertificate/2013/09/21/guest-sharon-rondeau-from-the-post-email-reveals-new-info

    Kerchner was on as well as Sharon Rondeau. These people are getting more and more desperate as you can tell by the vile hatred the spew not just about Obama but those who correct their falsehoods. Apparently they think Zullo is coming after the Obots who are a “lawyer cabal”. Apparently we’re all communist and yet “hitlerian”, we hate the constitution, we want this country ruined, etc.

    They start out making demands that Obama turn over his real birth certificate for forensic examination but then say that doesn’t seem to matter because Obama’s father wasn’t a citizen. They talked about Obama refusing to give money to charity by being involved in Trump’s phony bribe. They went on about the selective service.

    Zullo has been given the title of commander and lt. Sharon last week bumped him up saying he was a former homicide detective in a city that had one homicide during the period Zullo supposedly worked there.

    They create “fancy websites”. Okay doc this isn’t particularly true no birther website I’ve seen can be considered fancy for anytime in the last 20 years. They’re using mostly 20 year old website design. But boy do they have websites. Vollin trotted out his website no less than 10 times on the show.

    Vollin claims he started a movement with the sheriff’s kits and the overpasses nonsense. He then pumped another rally of truckers that supposedly will happen. These people have lost all sense of reality.

  17. RanTalbott says:

    Dr Kenneth Noisewater: Vollin claims he started a movement with the sheriff’s kits

    What a dilemma: I couldn’t choose between

    a. “Not true:the doctor says it was definitely the Ex-Lax”, and

    b. “Not terribly impressive: I have yet to hear of a single recipient who succeeded in assembling a sheriff”.

  18. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    Sheriff kit includes:
    Adjustable fat suit x 1
    Sheriff badge x 1
    Deputy badge x 4 *morons sold separately*
    Unwarranted sense of self-importance x1
    Instructional DVD of looking intimidating for photo-ops x1

    Now I got my wires crossed and accidentally ordered the Omar Sharif kit, which includes:
    Chin dimpler x1
    Mustache shaping template x1
    Golden Globe award x2
    Mad bridge playing skills x1

  19. Curious George says:

    Dr Kenn,

    “These people have lost all sense of reality.”

    The Birthers have reached the point of uncontrollable panic. Nothing is working for them because their foundation is built on lies. One lie leads to another and eventually their case implodes on their lack of substance and rational honest thought. These people are quickly sinking on the S.S. Zullo.

  20. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    Curious George:
    Dr Kenn,

    “These people have lost all sense of reality.”

    The Birthers have reached the point of uncontrollable panic. Nothing is working for them because their foundation is built on lies.One lie leads to another and eventually their case implodes on their lack of substance and rational honest thought. These people are quickly sinking on the S.S. Zullo.

    No amount of VIPs or Paypal donations can save them now.

  21. RanTalbott says:

    Curious George: The Birthers have reached the point of uncontrollable panic

    I disagree: there are probably some among the promoters of the myth who are panicking, but the vast majority of the suckers have long since debarked the SS Zullo, into a land where the forgery is “a proven fact”, and the rather-technical debunking won’t dissuade most of them. They’ve already gotten past the exposure of the CCP’s incompetence in the “African Anachronism”, and their outright dishonesty in the “Coding Caper”. Unless there’s a really dramatic “explosion” (such as a fraud prosecution), they won’t even look back to notice the sinking.

    Their focus now is on explaining how the Dark Forces of the Conspiracy (be they “NWO”, the MSM, or the ever-popular “Jewish Bankers”) are keeping The Ignorant Masses from seeing The Sacred Truth. At ORYR, you can see them pushing silliness like “false flag attacks” and “the Newtown/Boston/Navy Yard hoax”. They can live off that for years without the help of the CCP, PeePee Simmons, et al., just as others have before them.

    But the good news, as I told NBC recently, is that the Xerox evidence _has_ torpedoed the SS Zullo, and they won’t be able to get any Congressional or court hearings for their nonsense. And the birthers, lacking even the apperance of credible evidence, will get pushed even further to the lunatic fringe in the public’s perception.

  22. Curious George says:

    RT:
    “But the good news, as I told NBC recently, is that the Xerox evidence _has_ torpedoed the SS Zullo, and they won’t be able to get any Congressional or court hearings for their nonsense. And the birthers, lacking even the apperance of credible evidence, will get pushed even further to the lunatic fringe in the public’s perception.”

    Are you understanding any of this Pastor Gallups? Hmmmmm?

  23. justlw says:

    Dr Kenneth Noisewater: Zullo is coming after the Obots who are a “lawyer cabal”

    OK, I definitely got my wires crossed here. I could have sworn it was an “orthodontist coven.”

    On a completely unrelated note, does anyone want a great deal on a few cases of rubber bands and some brooms, before I put them up on Craigslist?

  24. Lupin says:

    justlw: OK, I definitely got my wires crossed here. I could have sworn it was an “orthodontist coven.”

    This reminded me of the funny names the English language uses for groups of animals:

    http://www.thealmightyguru.com/Pointless/AnimalGroups.html

    We don’t have one for Birthers.

    I humbly submit “A molestation of birthers.”

  25. RanTalbott says:

    Hmmm, I tend to think of “molestation of birthers” as more of a “hobby” than “a collective noun” 😉

    I thought about terms like “misunderstanding”, “incomprehension” or “failure”, but those are too likely to turn up in ordinary descriptions.

    How ’bout “a re-election of birthers”?

  26. Bovril says:

    A “bigot” of Birthers
    A “lie” of Birthers
    A “delusion” of Birthers
    A “conspiracy” of Birthers
    A “threat” of Birthers
    A “podcast” of Birthers
    An “Orly” of Birthers
    A “stain” of Birthers
    A “coup” of Birthers
    A “logorreah” of Birthers
    A “Putzie” of Birthers
    A “Bitter” of Birthers

    They just write themselves….. 😎

  27. The Magic M says:

    Lupin: This reminded me of the funny names the English language uses for groups of animals

    Took me years to finally learn what “A Murder of Crows” actually means (though the title may have been deliberately ambiguous). Make that the second set of terms I never bothered to learn completely (along with the names of all fruits and vegetables).

    justlw: does anyone want a great deal on a few cases of rubber bands and some brooms, before I put them up on Craigslist?

    I could use some rubber bands for my immortality experiments. (Who gets the reference?)

  28. Lupin says:

    I do like “a stain of birthers” and “a logorrhea of birthers”.

  29. RanTalbott says:

    Upon reflection, I wish to withdraw my original nomination, in favor of “An anydaynow of birthers”.

  30. Bovril says:

    Possible additions might include…..

    A “Scream” of Birthers
    A “Bellowing” of Birthers
    An “Infection” of Birthers
    A “Seep” if Birthers
    A “Superation” of Birthers
    A “Piteousness/Pitiful” of Birthers
    A “Deceit” of Birthers

  31. justlw says:

    The Magic M: (Who gets the reference?)

    Too hoopy for me.

  32. The Magic M (not logged in) says:

    You’re a frood. 😉

  33. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    Bovril:
    Possible additions might include…..

    A “Scream” of Birthers
    A “Bellowing” of Birthers
    An “Infection” of Birthers
    A “Seep” if Birthers
    A “Superation” of Birthers
    A “Piteousness/Pitiful” of Birthers
    A “Deceit” of Birthers

    I’m in favor of A “stupid” of Birthers.

  34. bovril says:

    What abut

    A “Grotesquerie” of Birthers…….

  35. DryInk says:

    A “Screech” of Birthers …

  36. That one is attractive, but I lean towards “a paranoia of birthers.”

    Andrew Vrba, PmG: I’m in favor of A “stupid” of Birthers.

  37. Benji Franklin says:

    bovril: What abut

    A “Grotesquerie” of Birthers…….

    and…

    A Flailing of Birthers

    or…

    A Preposterance of Birthers

    or (my favorite)…

    A ShitSack of Birthers

  38. Whatever4 says:

    An idiocy of Birthers.

  39. Keith says:

    A “Scam of Birthers”?

    An “Irrelevancy of Birthers”?

  40. Keith says:

    A “Hokum of Birthers”?

    A “Bunkum of Birthers”?

  41. Keith says:

    A “Steaming Pile of Birthers”?

    Sorry every time I hit submit, I think of another one.

  42. ArthurWankspittle says:

    I could use some rubber bands for my immortality experiments. (Who gets the reference?)

    I do but then I know where my towel is.

    Before I scrolled down I had also come up with a “stupidity” of birthers but how about a “confabulation” of birthers?

  43. The Magic M says:

    A discombobulation of birthers.

    A schmock of birthers.

    A hoople of birthers.

  44. Bovril says:

    I’m surprised we haven’t had a set of comments by Blue Falcon over at ORYR about how all we Obits must be sweating bullets ’cause we are calling them names.

    A “Drool” of Birthers
    A “Eructation” of Birthers

  45. Andrew Vrba, PmG says:

    Bovril:
    I’m surprised we haven’t had a set of comments by Blue Falcon over at ORYR about how all we Obits must be sweating bullets ’cause we are calling them names.

    I think they’re distracted by birther report’s new layout, but its the same old dog turd in a shiny new wrapper.
    Maybe Orly will follow suit. I think her site would look good with a nice big “404 Error. This site cannot be found!” replacing the current mess of owl screeching and malware.

  46. 1% Silver Nitrate says:

    “Call for 1,000,000 people to march on Washington DC”

    The clock has started running. Klayman just set a date: November 19. Invest in popcorn futures now.

    http://www.talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/conservative-attorney-larry-klayman-sets-date-for-coup-against-obama

  47. Crustacean says:

    Klayman thinks we should look toward Egypt to see real democracy in action. Maybe I’ll send him my latest book, “Republic – The Rich History of Liberal Democracy in Egypt from 1953 to 2007.”

    It’s not a long book; all I have so far is the title…

    1% Silver Nitrate: “Call for 1,000,000 people to march on Washington DC”
    The clock has started running. Klayman just set a date: November 19. Invest in popcorn futures now.

  48. Crustacean: It’s not a long book; all I have so far is the title…

    bada-bing

  49. Keith says:

    What about an “Asylum of Birthers”.

    Is that one taken yet?

  50. RanTalbott says:

    I wonder how Klayman’s would-be deposers would react to the realization that he’s luring them into a “gun-free zone”, near large numbers of soldiers who’ve passed the “Obama litmus test” of swearing they’re cool with shooting Americans?

    Not to mention that they’re bound to be at least one FEMA camp in the area.

    Someone should check the PDFs of his court filings for multiple layers…

  51. I thought maybe a “million of birthers” (a group of 12).

    Keith: What about an “Asylum of Birthers”.

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