According to the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams (chapter 7) , Vogon poetry is the third worst in the Universe. The example given in the book goes:
Oh freddled gruntbuggly ..
?… thy micturations are to me
As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee.
Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes.
And booptiously drangle me with crunkly bindlewurdles
Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don’t!
So the contest is for the most effective creation of poem in the Vogon style that contains the the character string “zullo.”
Thanks to commenters for the idea.
Prostetnic Vogon Zullo.
Zullo…His name does sound very Vogon-esque doesn’t it?
And the drivel he spews at his pressers does have that same indigestability that Vogon poetry has.
Well that proves it! Zullo’s Earth certificate is forged. He is clearly a Vogon agent!
It does!
Doc, truly you are a king among nerds!
I tip my hat to you, good sir.
Doc,
It was supposed to be an epic in 13.6 volumes and I’m not sure I captured the Vogonity of the zeitgeist, but I was worried that I might have gone right past the Azgoths of Kria and gotten into Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings territory and feared that my liver might spontaneously implode in a desperate bid to save humanity so I had to quit in the first stanza.
I gave some friends a reading, but Ford ran screaming from the room with blood streaming from his ears, Arthur panicked when I offered him a cup of tea and asked him what he thought, and both of Zaphod’s heads started yelling “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA” at the top of their lungs. Even Marvin thought it was depressing (he said it gave him a pain in the diodes all down his side).
Here for your eternal horror (read at your own risk):
BRAVO!!! 😉
Oh bedeeviled lawcifer
Thy badgification is to the keeplaw street blooze
As thy plastical decoder ring-a-ding is to
The Medal of Onorous,
You are the Zullo, destroyer of words,
Super Lecturer to SCOTUS
Yor Uncle Slippuree
And auntie obama!
Your a line sackashite and uh make-my-teeth itches
With crackpotting roomers and steaming stool pitches
As say Pal you Paypal the poor into cache,
Recycling junque theories sew the first willabee last.
A mind as big as a planet, and I have to listen to birthers.
The German translation of the Hitchhiker’s Guide is among the best English-to-German translations ever, IMO, as it perfectly mirrors the overall tone in general and the sound of the invented words (“Great Green Arkleseizure” etc.) in particular.
I remember the poem starting “Oh zerfrettelter Grunzwanzling…”.
I expected no less from someone with your nickname. 😉 Maybe I’ll try later if I find the time.
Huzzah! Huzzah!
Magna cum Laude sing Zullo!
“Zullo, tit Zullo, tit Zullo!”
Compliments to barglebards Slarti and Benji. Long may ye rave…
Oh besmurfed transgibbered usurperation!
How you ensmiggerate exchurned Commandress Zullo
With insurflushable racistainery
And in your refutablable Marxslimness
Birthificate the mubblemonkish pacetriots
For anydaynowable ohmygoshs
And taitzonable shupperfilings
In the judgenerous shimboodlepods!
So I refutionate your imbecilicants
And snappergnargle the ranktombous rage –
Let me arpaionate you with my shitfanhitter
Before your corsiframe meets my pronglefist!
Ahoot! Ashun! Redopplecruz!
Or I will nogglesmite your noodleborncitizen
Just you wait!
Oh Lieficating Zullo, of bogus Leutenitification,
Please provide amusement, for our gratification,
For the investicagatintingigamy,’s pointlessitity has increased our alimentary canal’s agapmosity,
Fish
Layers be, layers be, layers be grond
overweller, underfeller, aroundteller planking the song
Up sin in a ployable nogadness
Zullo rides in on a snail of paradymadness
Filling the voids full of empty raw hatricide
Leading his warptrawollow on a march of frog suicide
Zullo pawdrakes his own philosacrates
Layers be, layers be, layers be or maybe not
With the Zullo no do queeble its not a hot rock
100% forgery, VIPs, disentary drools
monowackery, cayperberry, honky-gland fools
Official buttfoons look for the swazziloons
Experts in dussaflawness, dopes in a sea of clargle
Zullo plays up his yapful laquissence
Layers be, layers be, layers be send money
Zullo needs new shirts, a car, and a jabberwocky
plancarsic desires in his falcicade image
Lead to the orsinkle if no nocraces moans
Place your hawper in his pinxer
But protect your wallet from his grincher
Any day now
Doc, you do realize this is a contest for second place, don’t you? You could pretty much put up any post by Orly that mentions Zullo and she’d win hands down! 😆
I don’t know, if Christopher Strunk has mentioned Zullo in one of his manifestos, he might give Orly a run for her money.
Turgidly, turgidly, trugedly exbrigianding besplotting
Crankesque garful, gad arful, politicansuency–
Potaseksequessence, rolling, profound, gasseous, putreus, smearesque
Fills within the manglebox kirillity of mountebessence.
Crepuscular, crinoline, mashed, wholly banstischingly protubing,
Pedals Zullo zanguid, fauxlieutenanesque, palid, portulentable.
His reportanelols and Hayesing sequestering blindly,
Within mocktoning birds hallow, partiality, pomposity, overweaning Orlyesque miching.
Invisible tentacles, protobogosity, Martian and Afrained.
Code 9, any day now!
The Vogon Poetry Generator (http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/vogonpoetry/lettergen.shtml) says:
See, see the Betty-Boop style sky
Marvel at its big chartreuse depths.
Tell me, Zullo do you
Wonder why the candiru ignores you?
Why its foobly stare
makes you feel nauseous.
I can tell you, it is
Worried by your xytorgalogue facial growth
That looks like
Air.
What’s more, it knows
Your harrumphed potting shed
Smells of olive pits.
Everything under the big Betty-Boop style sky
Asks why, why do you even bother?
You only charm Sewages.
I think it must be in translation from the original Vogon.
“That wasn’t so good, was it?” –Leonard Pinth-Garnell
More birther poetry, non-Vogon this time (but almost equally “bad”).
Zippy Zullo, zealous zombie
Zapping zany zealots’ zeal
Zealots feel
Zero’s real
Zullo’s mess
Zilch success
Gritty Gallups, greedy grifter
Gayly grabbing geezers’ gold
Geezers old
Garbage told
Gallups lied
Geezers died
Crafty Corsi, callous con-man
Collecting crazy crackpots’ cash
Crackpots clash
Congress bash
Corsi grins
Obama wins
To get the full effect of Vogon poetry one must sit in the special chair on their ship. Would OT’s dental chair suffice? Maybe CEL3 could tell us.
This has to be one of my favorite threads, ever! 😉
Well, the Vogon stuff already here is so good, that I don’t have a chance. Sooo, I will just provide a PMNJ poem, for fun. Or at least I hope it is fun. I could only find one example of her poetry.
Mucking With Mire???
In The Style of Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings
by Squeeky Fromm, Girl Reporter
Step off the Blunderbuss of Time
Busy, short and yellow.
“Hey, Sister, can you spare a dime?”
Blasted out the fellow.
“Tres Foxy me, I’ll Zullo be,
Just try me, on my trime!
But unlike Mario, prolix.
And stingy with my rhyme!”
So Ritalin me this Riddler,
Do Addle All my mind!
Violence of the Rufie Fiddler
Natural and kind???
Go Faster Faster Posse cat!
Ye, El Seven yclept?
Just march in circles, playing scat
While always staying hep!
I’m your Huckleberry Hounder
Shucking with my jibe!
Falling flatter than a flounder!
I silently outgribe!
Now, go and tear me limn from limn,
An awful dialogue?
I am Kadiddlehopper, Clem-
While riding on a hog!
Look! A Tura Leerer Liar?
I see some Douce’ Dough?
Toura Lyra Too, aspire?
Ono UFO!
Nicki Nicki Tembo
No So Rembo
Oo Ma Moochi
Gamma Yamma Goochi
A ruse by any other name,
A name by any ruse.
Clouseau’s hidden, a foot’s the game
Erato is my Muse.
Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter
Love it, Squeeky. 🙂
Which means it’s time for a Lewis Carrol style poem, isn’t it? 😉
A birther, hidden in the mire
Heard a caboodling step
And framptously crawled with desire
T’escape a prawning trap
Behind the whisty tree he peeked
Lest weedles catch him swift
And trembling as the shabmist reeked
He set his frawl adrift
And round the corner sliftly came
Mike Zullo way from yonder
Shnit grifter of ranktombous fame
It makes the birther wonder
“Where is his posse? Where his Carl?
They’re nowhere near to see”
“Ohgosh”, he purred with sneezy snarl
“Invisibility!”
One, two, one two
And through and through
Fear pierced his brawn like hay
His last “kashoo” gave him awoo
And his life passed away
__________
I could do better but it’s late in the week already…
Hi MagicM!!!
That was great!!! Mr. Dodgsen would be very proud! I read somewhere that they used to do a lot of poems like that, with messages hidden in them. I actually did a few about 10 years ago in college, but I seem to have misplaced them.
Oh, and above I cut and pasted from my word processor draft, and one stanza should actually read:
Tres Foxy me, I’ll Zullo be!
Just try me, on my trime!
No Mario! Prolix, you’ll see,
And stingy with my rhyme!
Squeeky Fromm
Girl Reporter
Always glad to be treated to your writing and poetry, Squeeks! 🙂